


First Time (Hate And Love)

by rivaillin



Series: Hate And Love [3]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, Odi et Amo, POV First Person, Side Story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-25
Updated: 2014-10-25
Packaged: 2018-02-22 15:05:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2512022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rivaillin/pseuds/rivaillin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maybe not in love. But definitely in like.</p><p>A side story on Mikasa's POV in which Levi talks about how he feels.<br/>OEA related.</p>
            </blockquote>





	First Time (Hate And Love)

**Author's Note:**

> Here's another aside. It was supposed to be on Levi's POV, but I figured it'd be better like this. After all there's a lot of stuff only a person outside the whole EreRi circle can pick up on. So yeah. Mikasa needing some love, Mikasa getting some love.
> 
> You can consider this to be chapter 10.5 (?) Anyway...  
> -rushes to finish chapter 11- I'm kinda late, yikes!

Sometimes, the trick to knowing someone inside out comes from the time we spend together with them. It had been that way for my brother and me for a long while. It’s not like we shared any sort of _telepathy_. Laughable, I’m sure. But one thing we could do, and do well, was read one another's body language and facial expressions, better than our own mother, our other family members, _whatever_. It was always easy for me to know little things just by paying attention. And I knew he could do the same with me, whenever he wanted to.

So of course, when I found him looking out the window with such a carefree expression on a Sunday morning, I knew something was up.

Levi didn’t need to turn to know it was me who had entered the kitchen. I knew he could recognize my steps, the way I walked. So he didn’t even bothered putting up a front. Even knowing that I could see right through him.

“Good morning,” I said.

He didn’t reply, but his eyes shifted to watch me while I prepared my morning coffee. Eggs and bacon seemed to be my new favorite thing. Mostly because I had to finish the bacon package before the date expired, but it wasn’t that bad. I went to the fridge, grabbed what I needed and then left some bread to toast while I fried an egg on top of the crispy bacon.

When I finally sat down in front of my brother across the tiny table by the balcony, he turned to look away again. No news there, so I just ate. Still, my curiosity overflowed during our first moment of silence. I knew I had to ask, and he looked at me because he noted I was getting ready to do so.

“Last time I saw you make that face was when you and dad had that big fight the day before we left.” I poked at a piece of bacon with my fork and leveled my gaze with his. “What happened?”

Levi’s face betrayed nothing. He was looking at me, but at the same time he wasn’t. There was a shadow of worry covering his hooded gaze, though.

“Is it about Eren?” I tried, remembering the way both of them had been acting through yesterday’s dinner. Mostly, despite the usual shitty remarks, both of them had acted antsy during the whole meal. “What happened?”

Levi’s pupils finally seemed to focus on me, but he still sounded a bit distant when he spoke, “I think I fucked up.”

I frowned and took another piece of bacon to my mouth. Bluntness was something I knew he rode on, but I hadn’t expected him to tackle the subject right on. “What do you mean?”

Bringing his hands up to hug himself, Levi finally started to look more alive as he regained his _almost_ usual glare, despite looking pretty confused as well. “You know that feeling you get when someone exposes positive parts of yourself, just like that, as if it’s that easy and it’s there for everyone to see, and then you start thinking that you gotta shape up? You have try and act better than what you already are. Not because what you are is not appreciated, or worth it, but…” He trailed off and exhaled shakily. His brows knit together past the typical frown. I knew I was staring at him with my mouth open, confused, but it was weird seeing him so open—even for me.

Still, I tried to make sense of what he was saying. “Well, I don’t know if it’s exactly the same but… Isn’t that what _you_ do? Just the other way around…”

Levi’s glare was suddenly fixed on my eyes. It almost took me aback with how intense it was. “What? How do you mean that?”

I shrugged and leaned my chin on my hand while I kept poking at my food with the fork. “How do I put it…? It’s like people can’t be anything but themselves when dealing with you. Sure, they tiptoe their way when you’re near but they don’t fake anything because… you don’t give them that chance.” I blinked. “It’s something I always envied about you, to be honest. Like the way you expose dad? I can’t do that. I guess I just want to please my way around some people, and I’m afraid to be myself…” A huff escaped my lips. “Damn, maybe we’d be more alike if I acted the part.” I paused. “Or maybe it’s not that I’m afraid… maybe this is me, and wanting people to be proud of me is what I want.” I shrugged. “Whatever fits your liking? But yeah, this is _you_ we’re talking about. You never wanted to make anyone proud, you wanted them to be proud of who you really are. And that’s something.”

Levi just stared at me. Knowing him, he was still digesting what I’d told him, so I gave him time while I finished my breakfast. I finished quickly, though. As if the whole open heart to heart conversation had opened my appetite.

“So if what you’re talking about is what I’m talking about,” I muttered as I leaned back on my seat to properly look at him, “I think I can say I _do_ know what you mean.” A pause. “What about it?”

He blinked and looked down at the table. “Well, I… that’s how I’ve been feeling for a while now. It outgrew me in these past few weeks, really, but I think it’s always been there.”

“Self-awareness?”

“Something like that. But it changed. The circumstances made the whole thing change. So what I thought that could be a onetime thing… Turned out to be a lot more complex than that, unfortunately.”

He sure could be evasive when he wanted to, but I managed to keep track of what he meant. The thing is, I didn’t know what sort of connection he had with Eren from the very beginning, and I knew he wouldn’t tell me. But it was pretty evident from the very start that Levi was overstepping himself. And I knew as well as he did that it was a feeling he wasn’t enjoying altogether.

“Do you… like him?” I asked.

Levi scrunched his nose, still looking down, but I noticed that his eyes were showing a lot more emotion than usual.

I smiled small, “Ok. That’s a first… But I guess I already knew. I mean, all those nosy questions about Armin… that was _not_ smooth, Levi.”

He shot me an ice cold glare. “Could you sound _less_ obvious, though? It’s annoying.”

I laughed. “Yes, of course. But hey, I like him… he’s… he’s doing his own thing, isn’t he? Slowly.” When Levi lifted an eyebrow, I went on. “I mean, I don’t think he notices it himself but, it’s what you said… people can’t do anything but be themselves and then they also want to improve, somehow… _Wow_ , I can’t say it as well as you did.”

Levi hummed in reply and then looked out the window again. His expression relaxed, and I knew he was thinking about something. Something nice.

“So which part did you fuck up?” I tilted my head slightly. “I think he’s pretty much into you. And I don’t mean just the _ogling you up_ part. Everyone does that when you’re not paying attention—don’t look at me like that, you know it’s true.”

Took him a while but he sighed. “The part in which I hate getting involved with people.”

“It’s not people, it’s just Eren.”

“ _Exactly_ ,” he muttered between greeted teeth. “And that’s the problem. He’s coming at me with that _I-don’t-know-what-I’m-doing_ attitude, and it’s clearly not—”

“Levi, shut up.” I perked up. “You’re overthinking. Love suits you.”

He looked more horrified by the L word than I’d ever seen him before, even when dealing with what he called disgusting. “ _God_ , I hate talking to you. I’m not _in love_ , you mindless idiot.”

“Sucks to be you.”

It was fun to tease him.

The silence came while I finished my coffee. I thought, at some point, that letting the whole situation unattended was a bad idea. Nevertheless, I could imagine Levi murdering me the moment I decided to interfere between him and _anyone_. He’d kill me, party at my funeral (and probably skip the party himself), and then dance above my grave until he had passed out of exhaustion (or probably pay someone to do it for him).

By the time I walked to the sink to wash my dish, Jean and Eren entered the kitchen in a loud bickering. I looked at them over my shoulder, watching Jean widen his orbs at Eren when the fridge’s door bumped against him. My eyes shifted to Levi, then. He was watching the scene as well, with guarded eyes and unyielding expression.

“What the fuck, Eren! You’re so stupid first thing in the morning.” Jean barked, shoving the fridge’s door against Eren and earning a glare from both Levi and me. “ _What_. This jerk woke me up! It’s Sunday and I can’t go back to sleep!”

Eren rested his arm above the tiny white door and leveled with him. “ _Aw_ , poor baby. You didn’t seem concerned when _you_ woke _me_ up yesterday, though.”

Jean pointed a finger at him. “You’re sooooo paying for this, Eren.”

Eren slammed the door shut and passed by Jean, ignoring his glare. “Sure, whatever. Mikasa, I’m borrowing two eggs.”

“No problem.”

Jean followed after him, “Game on, Eren!”

“Jean…” Eren stopped by the stove and gawked. “Go graze some grass, ‘ _kay_?”

At that, both my brother and I gave out a snort. Jean glared at both of us and then stormed out of the kitchen while muttering a bunch of curses (mostly all at Jesus). I kind of missed having that effect on him as well. But maybe with time things would work out. I didn’t want to brood over the subject, despite what’d happened and what he’d told me when he’d broken up, and Armin was a good influence, apparently.

“Godly silence,” Eren huffed, gesturing emphatically at thin air.

I crossed my arms and looked at him. “You seem to be enjoying this a lot more than you care to admit.” For someone who arrived like he had a stick up his ass, at least.

He actually smirked, the damn boy, but paid me little consideration, shifting his senses to Levi for the first time since he’d arrived. Both of them shared a usual intense glower until Eren had to pay attention to the eggs he was frying instead of the way Levi was inspecting him.

I bit at my lower lip, watching as my brother started picking at his nails. What a seriously bad habit he’d picked on, above all things. “Hey, Eren?”

Eren rushed his eyes to me. “Hm? What.”

“I was thinking of going home for the weekend, after Halloween. Farlan has a car, he usually lets me and Levi borrow it. Anyway, it’s less expensive if we all share the fuel bill, so how about you and Armin come along?”

At that, Eren’s eyes lit up in a way I hadn’t seen before. He looked gorgeous when he had that kind of face. I even tilted my head and smirked in amusement when I noticed Levi’s fucked up face because he had no idea of what I was talking about.

“Re—really?” Eren almost choked on his own voice. “I mean, that would be great!”

I shrugged. “Well, I don’t take the highway so it won’t be the usual 2h that is by bus. I’d say 4h, 4 and a half? Something like that. Do you mind?”

He shook his head, almost dropping the eggs on the floor when he tried to pass them to a plate. “No, of course not but… I mean… is it ok if Armin goes?” His eyes were expectant but the smile hadn’t receded yet.

I smiled properly at him. “Armin’s a good friend. I don’t see why not.”

Well, we weren’t exactly _friends_ , but what else could I say? The boy was a good person. And he meant a lot to someone I liked a lot. _Actually_ , he meant a lot to two people I liked a lot.

Eren nodded, “Uhm, ok. Then I’ll tell Armin about it.”

“Yeah, ok. I’ll probably ask you two to meet up with me close by, I don’t know. I need a proper place to park the car that doesn’t require paying. But I’ll text you then.”

“You have my number?”

I laughed, “Eren, _everyone_ has your number.”

“Ah, right,” he propped his fingers in a V, “I forgot. Labeled rock star, right?”

“I don’t.” Levi’s voice came soft and low, as if he didn’t really care if he was heard. But Eren heard him, and so did I, and he was biting his upper lip to contain the stupid smile on his face; totally sobering up when he turned around to look at my brother.

“Well, you never asked.”

Levi dropped his chin over his hand when he leaned over the table. He looked rather upset. But I knew better, he was just sulking. There was a slight puckering to his lips that almost seemed unnoticeable. “Because I really don’t care.”

Eren sat where I’d been sitting before and started eating, not really showing any sort of reaction. But then he stopped to look somewhere. I couldn’t tell what he was doing until I saw him reach for the pen above Levi’s notebook that had been sitting there since the night before (along with a bunch of pencils that were already missing) and he grabbed Levi’s wrist. It was fun to watch because he went for the hand Levi was using to hold his face, and he looked horrified by the act. And even more horrified when Eren started writing his phone number over Levi’s palm.

I was doubling over with a giggle I couldn’t suppress and had to cover my mouth to contain myself.

“There,” Eren said as he threw the pen over the notebook again and resumed his meal, “now you have it.”

Levi withdrew his hand and glared at his palm. But then he fisted it and hid it under the table. And even though that act could be taken as normal resignation, to me it meant a lot more.

_Maybe not in love. But definitely in like._

And that was a first.


End file.
